Do you want to secure your trip through the Pearly Gates? Don’t want to leave anything to chance? Well, then, can I point you to a deal…

Reserve a Spot in Heaven has made a deal with the diety in charge and is now authorized to provide two packages to guarantee your spot: Essential Travel Kit available for only $12.79 and All-Access Travel Kit for a mere $15.95. Prices like this can’t last, reserve your spot in heaven now!

You have to admit that it’s a really good deal - no more tedious praying on knees, you get Sunday mornings back, and you can keep that 10% of your wages used by spiritual readers for their fancy rides and “private parties.” Heck, you could even use that money to do something like help the hungry have meals or to educate people. Getting to heaven has never been easier or cheaper.

And, if you know someone who really shouldn’t gain entry to paradise, there is a companion service: Reserve a Spot in Hell. It’s for that special someone you’d like to damn for eternity - easy, convenient, cheap, and guaranteed. There are similar packages available for a limited time.

Act now!